One week, at secondary (high) school, our maths teacher was ill and we had a replacement teacher. I
remember his name, but because my ears jutted out perpendicular to my head, he thought they looked
jug handles. All week he called me Jug Lugs.
Then the Internet happened and I needed a moniker, so Juglugs was born.
This is my little corner of the web.
"In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded" - Terry Pratchett— Mark Smith (@DaisyHeifer) October 27, 2019
As the eagle-eyed reader will have noticed, my current Twitter handle is actually @DaisyHeifer. This is because I said some non-violent, but perhaps unsavoury things about Donald J Trump, the former President (Twice Impeached) Of The United States and my personal wishes of the outcome of COVID-19 on him, given his wishes to kill/harm/disadvantage other people. @juglugs was then banned (for life!) yet The Donald continued to spread fascism and hatred throughout the World.
Daisy Heifer is the name of a small stuffed cow that belongs to a former colleague of mine, Rob Knox. Daisy used to live on Robs desk. When I left that particular company, Daisy "left" with me and departed on a world (literally) of adventure. She set up an email address and sent Rob photos from wherever she was - Sugarloaf Mountain, Bondi Beach and Cancun to name but a few. She even had her nose pierced in Wales!
Good times... But I "borrowed" Daisy's Twitter account and have been using that ever since.
A Personal Profile
My Gran was the first and only female forklift driver in the Vauxhall car factory at Luton.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I thoroughly cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I manage time efficiently. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over
my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured Yorkshire with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise
Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed several covert operations with Special Branch. I sleep once a week: when I do
sleep in a chair. While on my holibobs in France, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Pedro, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
(Parts of the above may have been embellished.)
(But not the bit about my Gran)
Time Flies like an arrow; Fruit Flies like a banana. ‑ Groucho Marx
I use the Webp format for my images on this site. It's a lossless, or lossy (your choice) image format for the modern age with really great file sizes compared to JPEG or PNG (which are both old and creaking a bit). Most modern browsers actively support it, but of course, Apple give me another reason to dislike them by not supporting it - at all. So, for now, I write code to select the best format for your browser. But I long for the day when Apple follow Microsoft's example and start following IETF standards for a better online experience across devices.
I am not, and have nothing to do with the repugnant character on twitter who goes by the handle @Lordjuglugs.
His world-view seems to be diametrically opposed to mine.
If you got here from tippk.com or tippk.co.uk, fear not - Those were my old domain names and they all bring you to this domain now.
Mysterious Leg Pain
If you've come here wondering about my mysterious, undiagnosed leg pain, you can read about it here.
And here, for no reason and with no context, is a photo of a seal looking up...
Weather @ 127.0.0.1